so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
