my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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