Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
