I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize