So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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