I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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