never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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