Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize