apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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