JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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