I just saw a hot homeless man
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
