she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Holy shit dude........stairs
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
