don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
