I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We had to coat check the pizza.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
being pregnant is like rehab
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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