I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
