I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
