Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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