Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
