Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
