turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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