Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
