Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
