he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
