It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
