I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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