Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
