Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
