So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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