Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
