1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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