2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
