I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
