You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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