I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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