Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
