I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
