Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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