i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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