it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
