i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
