I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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