i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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