You smell like stripper and shame
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I need a burrito and a hug.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
