just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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