But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
