I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
