Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize