We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
