Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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