Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
