im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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