you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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