Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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