I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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