don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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