New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
