Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
