apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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