Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
