Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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