i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
