I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize